Translating corporate-speak into American English

Is any industry’s vocabulary more laden with jargon, gibberish, and gobbledygook than the universal language of the corporate world? (That was a rhetorical question; the answer is a resounding no.)

I’m referring here to corporate-speak: words that are technically English, in that you’ll probably find them in the dictionary, but whose primary definition rarely has much in common with its business meaning. Words like “leverage,” “stakeholder,” and “aspirational.”

For instance, Merriam-Webster defines “stakeholder” first as “a person entrusted with the stakes of bettors.” But its corporate-speak meaning is closer to the arcane third definition: “one who is involved in or affected by a course of action.” (Um, wouldn’t that include anyone who breathes?)

There are many reasons for this process of undermining the English language, some simple, some sinister: habit, laziness, fear, intentional obfuscation, complete cluelessness. And while the phenomenon spans industries, it thrives best in companies that have a layer—or, even better, multiple layers—of bureaucracy; middle management positions are especially good incubators of the Corporatese Americanus virus.

To extend the virus metaphor, no one in the corporate world is immune to the disorder. Well, almost no one. You can, however, fortify yourself with translations so that when you do come across such terms (or, worse, find yourself using them), you’ll at least have some protection.

Here, for your amusement, edification, or consternation, is a short list of corporate-speak terms:

• Customer delight: Ugh. What happened to good ol’ customer satisfaction? 100% customer satisfaction is no longer enough; nothing less than 130% customer delight will do. Delight is, of course, synonymous with satisfaction. But it’s an over-the-top satisfaction, the kind a 5-year-old feels when eating an ice cream cone. The term is supposed to evoke that same feeling in adults, but somehow it underwhelms. What’s next? Customer rapture?
• Any percentage over 100%: Speaking of 130%, what makes perfectly intelligent, seemingly rational beings think that the laws of physics don’t apply to them? Or at least to their language. It is physically not possible for a thing to comprise more than 100% of itself. At least not here on Earth. No word yet from the Andromeda Galaxy.
• Bandwidth: Actual meaning: a range within a signal’s frequency, wavelength, or energy; or a system’s data transfer capacity. Corporate-speak meaning: availability to complete work. Enough said.
• Synergy: A favorite across industries, probably because it sounds really impressive. Its meaning has something to do with the behavior of whole systems not being predictable based on the separately observed behaviors of the systems’ separate parts. Corporate-speak meaning: the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. But it means much more than that. Only those who can fully articulate what Buckminster Fuller (who coined the term) meant should be allowed to use it.
• Talking points: Talking points used to be called “words” or “bullet points” until the early 21^th century, when they merged with “points to discuss” to become a popular corporate-speak term. (The term is also highly appropriate for actual animated, cute little talking points…like Pac-Man.)
• Drill down: It would be shocking if this term was not used at least 130% in marketing communications collateral for the oil and gas industries. For the rest of us, let’s use understand, grasp, or comprehend to get to the crux of the matter.

This is obviously just a fraction of the words and phrases that are circulating out there, waiting to land on some unsuspecting host. You may not be able to avoid them, but consider that there is usually a perfectly good synonym available to help fight them off.

What about you? Have you any corporate-speak examples to share? Feel free to post some in the comments section below.

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